CAVERS

 

C.1    Overheard at the last club dinner. It's t'woo.

     A member of another Rose club walked into the bar at the Martin Arms and ordered 2 shots of whiskey and promptly drinks one and pours the other one into his hand.

    The caver did this 3 times before the bartender finally asks him ----"why is it you only drink one and pour the other one into your hand?"   The caver replied, "I'm getting my girl friend drunk!"

 

C.2    Overheard at the last club dinner. It's t'woo.

    A mild mannered Black Rose Oldie was drinking at the bar when he spotted Craven Turtle at the far end of the bar.

    He ambled over, smiled,  tunefully sang, "Balls to Craven", and poured his drink over Turtle's head.

    "Why did you do that?" asked the wide-eyed Landlady.

    "Because I recognized him as the same Craven Turtle who drank my last pint of ale some 47 years ago."

   "Wow, what a memory!" said the Landlady.

   "Yes," said the Black Rose Oldie. "I may be old and losing it, but I still I have Turtle recall where beer is concerned."

 

C.3    Overheard at Bernie's Cafe

    A young Red Rose caver and Steve were having a cuppa in Bernie's Cafe and were watching the 6 o'clock news on TV, whereon a Black Rose caver was shown threatening to jump off the top of Malham Cove, 300' straight down, into a pile of cow muck.
    The Red Rose caver bet Steve £1 that he wouldn't jump, and Steve replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, the Black Rose caver jumped, "Geronimo", and landed slap centre in the pile of cow muck, and bounded to his feet with a big grin, shouting ... "Next".

    So the Red Rose caver gave Steve the £1 he owed.
    Steve said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."
    The Red Rose caver said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money."
    So Steve said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
 The Red Rose caver replied,... "Well, so did I, but I never thought that even a Black Rose caver would do that twice!"

 

C.4    Seen at  Bernie's Cafe

    A Black Rose caver walked into Bernie's cafe with a Black and White Panda, on a lead.

    Steve doesn't bat an eyelid as the caver orders a hearty breakfast and a salad for the Panda..

   The pair ate their food when, without any warning, the Panda produces a gun and shoots a hole in the ceiling before waddling out of the cafe..

   "Sorry about that", said the Black Rose chappie, "He's a Chinese Panda who just eats, shoots and leaves.

 

C.4    Bulgarian Trip

    Black Rose Jed was playing host to four "well known" snot-nosed English Pothole Club members visiting Bulgaria.

    On a tour of local caves they ended up at the bunkhouse of the local Spelunker club..

   The amiable bunkhouse owner calls out to his wife, in Bulgarian, "Make five coffees for these English Plonkers"

   "Four Plonkers," said Black Rose Jed, "I'm the interpreter".

 

 POLITICS

 

P.1    The Truth about Rising Unemployment in the UK.
  The Labour Minister was giving a press conference.
  "Is it true that the unemployment is very high, and is rising rapidly?", asked one journalist.
  "This isn't true! These rumours are spread by people with nothing else to do!...", the Minister replied.

P.2    Robbing a Member of Parliament
   An MP was coming late home one night when he was stopped by a mugger:
  "Give me your money!", the mugger shouted pointing a gun at the MP.
  "Heh, you don't know who you are dealing with. I'm a Member of Parliament," the MP said hoping to scare him off..
   Hearing this, the mugger thought for a second, and started shouting:
  "Then give me MY money back! Give me MY money back!"

 

P.3     Becoming a Member of Parliament
   "Hello? Is this the Parliament?"
   "Yes."
   "I wanted to ask you - what do I have to do in order to become a Member of the Parliament?"
   "Have you gone crazy?!"
   "Yes! I should fit in well!"

 

P.4      Lying Politicians
  A special train with leading politicians toured the country in order to raise people's trust in the political establishment, and to get to know their problems better.
  Unfortunately, there was a horrific accident - the train derailed somewhere north of Watford Gap.
  By the time the rescue teams arrived, they were told by a number of local people who had gathered on the spot that no one had survived from the politicians' train.
  "How is that possible? How come there are no survivors? Were they all dead when you arrived?", asked the rescue officers.
  "Well, some of them tried to convince us they were alive. But you know our politicians - they are always lying...,"

 

P.5      European Business Projects
  The Agriculture Ministry launched a new job creation scheme with EU funding which consisted of breeding and growing lions.
  The lions were kept in the basement of a derelict mill in downtown Bristol. The program turned out to be a huge success, utilizing the money of the European taxpayers in a worthwhile and productive manner.
  However, one day there was a bloody incident, the program had to be shut down, the EC even demanded the spent EU funds should be sent back, and the poor lions were sent back to Africa.
  As the lions were looking around their new home, one of them started shouted at another one.
  "Why did you have to eat the janitor?!? Why, why, why?!    Why didn't you do what I did?!  I ate over 50 politicians, and no one even noticed!..."

P.6     News Flash from Johnnie S

   A young man was arrested two days ago after running up & down outside the Houses of Parliament shouting "the Government is crazy .. the Government is crazy"

   Today in Court he was fined £10 for being drunk & disorderly and sent to prison for 5 years for revealing a state secret!!
.
P.7     Ouch!

   Gordon Brown, his wife, and a taxpayer were stood chatting at a celebration dinner..

   Gordon had just presented his wife with a mink coat to celebrate winning the 2010 elections

   His wife didn't look too happy. "I love the coat," she said, "But I can't help feeling sorry for the poor little creature who was skinned alive so \I could have the pleasure of living in luxury."

   "Why, thank you," said the Taxpayer, "I am sure there is much worse to come."