CAVERS

 

B.1    News from the last club dinner..

     A 70-year old wealthy member showed up with this breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She was hanging onto his arm, and his every word, and was knocking the socks off every male in the room. The men were aghast, and more than a little jealous, and at the first chance they asked him ...

        "How did you get that trophy girlfriend?"

        "Girlfriend? She's my wife!.

        "How did you get her to marry you?

        " I lied about my age."

        "You told her you were only 50.

        "No - I told her I was 90".

 

C.1    Overheard at the last club dinner. It's t'woo.

     A member of another Rose club walked into the bar at the Martin Arms and ordered 2 shots of whiskey and promptly drinks one and pours the other one into his hand.

    The caver did this 3 times before the bartender finally asks him ----"why is it you only drink one and pour the other one into your hand?"   The caver replied, "I'm getting my girl friend drunk!"

 

C.2    Overheard at the last club dinner. It's t'woo.

    A mild mannered Black Rose Oldie was drinking at the bar when he spotted Craven Turtle at the far end of the bar.

    He ambled over, smiled,  tunefully sang, "Balls to Craven", and poured his drink over Turtle's head.

    "Why did you do that?" asked the wide-eyed Landlady.

    "Because I recognized him as the same Craven Turtle who drank my last pint of ale some 47 years ago."

   "Wow, what a memory!" said the Landlady.

   "Yes," said the Black Rose Oldie. "I may be old and losing it, but I still I have Turtle recall where beer is concerned."

 

C.3    Overheard at Bernie's Cafe

    A young Red Rose caver and Steve were having a cuppa in Bernie's Cafe and were watching the 6 o'clock news on TV, whereon a Black Rose caver was shown threatening to jump off the top of Malham Cove, 300' straight down, into a pile of cow muck.
    The Red Rose caver bet Steve £1 that he wouldn't jump, and Steve replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, the Black Rose caver jumped, "Geronimo", and landed slap centre in the pile of cow muck, and bounded to his feet with a big grin, shouting ... "Next".

    So the Red Rose caver gave Steve the £1 he owed.
    Steve said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."
    The Red Rose caver said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money."
    So Steve said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
 The Red Rose caver replied,... "Well, so did I, but I never thought that even a Black Rose caver would do that twice!"

 

C.4    Seen at  Bernie's Cafe

    A Black Rose caver walked into Bernie's cafe with a Black and White Panda, on a lead.

    Steve doesn't bat an eyelid as the caver orders a hearty breakfast and a salad for the Panda..

   The pair ate their food when, without any warning, the Panda produces a gun and shoots a hole in the ceiling before waddling out of the cafe..

   "Sorry about that", said the Black Rose chappie, "He's a Chinese Panda who just eats, shoots and leaves.

 

C.4    Bulgarian Trip

    Black Rose Jed was playing host to four "well known" snot-nosed English Pothole Club members visiting Bulgaria.

    On a tour of local caves they ended up at the bunkhouse of the local Spelunker club..

   The amiable bunkhouse owner calls out to his wife, in Bulgarian, "Make five coffees for these Po-faced English Plonkers"

   "Four Plonkers," said Jed, "I'm the interpreter".

C.4    Guess Who?

    At a Black Rose dinner "@" returned from going to the toilet to find a drunken intruder sitting in his seat.
    "Excuse me, but you are sitting in my seat!", "@" said.
    "Oh, really, and how do you know this is your seat?!"
   "Well, because I left my ice-cream on it five minutes ago... and now it's all over your trousers"

 

I think we have the wrong co-ordinates.

 POLITICS

 

P.1    The Truth about Rising Unemployment in the UK.
  The Labour Minister was giving a press conference.
  "Is it true that the unemployment is very high, and is rising rapidly?", asked one journalist.
  "This isn't true! These rumours are spread by people with nothing else to do!...", the Minister replied.

P.2    Robbing a Member of Parliament
   An MP was coming late home one night when he was stopped by a mugger:
  "Give me your money!", the mugger shouted pointing a gun at the MP.
  "Heh, you don't know who you are dealing with. I'm a Member of Parliament," the MP said hoping to scare him off..
   Hearing this, the mugger thought for a second, and started shouting:
  "Then give me MY money back! Give me MY money back!"

 

P.3     Becoming a Member of Parliament
   "Hello? Is this the Parliament?"
   "Yes."
   "I wanted to ask you - what do I have to do in order to become a Member of the Parliament?"
   "Have you gone crazy?!"
   "Yes! I should fit in well!"

 

P.4      Lying Politicians
  A special train with leading politicians toured the country in order to raise people's trust in the political establishment, and to get to know their problems better.
  Unfortunately, there was a horrific accident - the train derailed somewhere north of Watford Gap.
  By the time the rescue teams arrived, they were told by a number of local people who had gathered on the spot that no one had survived from the politicians' train.
  "How is that possible? How come there are no survivors? Were they all dead when you arrived?", asked the rescue officers.
  "Well, some of them tried to convince us they were alive. But you know our politicians - they are always lying...,"

 

P.5      European Business Projects
  The Agriculture Ministry launched a new job creation scheme with EU funding which consisted of breeding and growing lions.
  The lions were kept in the basement of a derelict mill in downtown Bristol. The program turned out to be a huge success, utilizing the money of the European taxpayers in a worthwhile and productive manner.
  However, one day there was a bloody incident, the program had to be shut down, the EC even demanded the spent EU funds should be sent back, and the poor lions were sent back to Africa.
  As the lions were looking around their new home, one of them started shouted at another one.
  "Why did you have to eat the janitor?!? Why, why, why?!    Why didn't you do what I did?!  I ate over 50 politicians, and no one even noticed!..."

P.6     News Flash from Johnnie S

   A young man was arrested two days ago after running up & down outside the Houses of Parliament shouting "the Government is crazy .. the Government is crazy"

   Today in Court he was fined £10 for being drunk & disorderly and sent to prison for 5 years for revealing a state secret!!
.
P.7     Ouch!

   Gordon Brown, his wife, and a taxpayer were stood chatting at a celebration dinner..

   Gordon had just presented his wife with a mink coat to celebrate winning the 2010 elections

   His wife didn't look too happy. "I love the coat," she said, "But I can't help feeling sorry for the poor little creature who was skinned alive so \I could have the pleasure of living in luxury."

   "Why, thank you," said the Taxpayer, "I am sure there is much worse to come."

 

 

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Some Bulgarian Proverbs and Sayings that I find worthy of note - (literal translation)
 
BETTER the grave than a slave.

WATER washes up everything but shame.

IT is easy to be the father of children already born.
IT is easier to fondle lassies, than to cut timbers.

IF ONLY youth had knowledge and old age ability!

EMBRACE the snake and it will bite you.

THE HUMP is straightened only by the grave.

DEATH is closer than the shirt.
THE DONKEY, though it may go to the Holy Land, will still come back a donkey.
THE SLUGGARD works twice, the niggard pays twice.

BECAUSE of John hating St. John. 
NOT EVERY nun becomes Mother Superior.
TOO many barbers would be ready to shave the beard of a beardless man.
WRIGGLING hands like young bride's legs.
WHERE shepherds are lots, sheep are lost.
BAD weather gets better, a bad man never does.
THE BAD tax-collector will sell one of your oxen, the good one - both.
WHY didn't the midwife, who cut your naval string, cut your head instead.
THE SUN shines on mud, but does not get muddy.
TELL the blind he is eyeless, and he will get mad at you.
THE DOG barks to keep itself, not the village.
IF GOD should listen to rooks, he should send a plague to horses.
HE who undertakes too many jobs does none.
HE that flies high falls low down.
AN HAUGHTY person will not reach down to take his own nose if it had fallen to the ground.
GIVE me money to buy myself a purse to put my money in.
THEY do not want him in the village, he asks for the priest's house.
THE BLIND hen, when it sees again, wants even to mount the cock.
THE CHICKEN teaches the hen to lay eggs.
THE MEEK lamb sucks from two mothers.
WE had a dog, it helped the wolf.
THE STRONGHOLD is taken from within.
HE who gets angry, grows old fast.
BURNING the quilt because of the fleas.
BURNING the poor man's candles, counting the rich man's money.
FLIES plough the ox' horns.
HE that has a hawk, has three hundred partridges.
HE who gives much, will soon start begging.
YOU only be a sheep, wolves will be found.
THE MOSQUITO weighs 99 kilos on his own scale.
GOOD swimmers are more often drowners.
UNFENCED garden - fenced in desert.
HELL is also made for people.
I GAVE UP smoking, smoking would not give me up.
A SINGLE hand cannot wash itself even in the Danube river.
THE SPARROWS quarrel over somebody's else millet.
WHAT the devil is unable to do, he asks a woman to do.
GO hunting for rabbits - be eaten by wolves.
MANY people wash their hands to have dinner with the bishop, few sit down to his table.
HE who steals the minaret shall find a case to hide it.
WHEN the sea turned to honey, the poor man lost his spoon.
EVERY tree has its worm to eat it.
HE that sleeps with a dog, should bear its fleas.
THERE is no boneless fish.
HE who lies, hangs from a gallows - he who does not, hangs twice.
ONE learns as long as one lives and still dies a fool.
THE DRUM is large but empty.
WHEN given a kingdom, the gypsy asks: what about bread?
FOR the blind sellers there are blind buyers.
WATCH your step when you walk: you may find nothing but you will not stumble.
IF your neighbour's house is on fire, make haste to put out the fire in your own house.
WITH a king it is the same as with fire - stay neither close by, nor too far away.
DO not put all eggs in one basket.
DRAW water from the new well, but do not spit in the old one.
IF you are going to drown, do not try it in shallow water.
HE who buys what he does not need, sells what he needs.
HE that wills not to feed a cat, feeds the mice.
THREE hundred ravens are scattered by one stone.
MAN is harder than a stone and more brittle than an egg.
IF you break the fast, better eat pork, not curds.
TO the donkey thorns taste better than hay.
EYES see everything but themselves.
GRAVEDIGGERS have their own gravediggers too.
THE OLD man is not asked where he aches, but why he does not ache there.
A GOOD son needs no inheritance, the bad needs none.
THE OLDER one marries, the longer the nights.
LIFE is a stairway - some are going up, others are going down.
HE that believes in dreams, pastures the winds.
BLESSED wine, cursed drinking!
THE FIRST glass is for health, second - for joy, third - for fun, the fourth - for madness.
IF THE PRIEST is used to get drunk, the people does not sober at all.
THE WEALTHY man has even his crow laying him eggs.
MONEY tempts women, women tempt men.
HUNGER is a bigger master than the king.
HE that feels sorry for the shoe, loses the horse.
HE who keeps his old clothes, gains new ones too.
YOU monk, do you want us to give you in marriage?
THE SEA has decided to drown itself in the river.
BANDAGE your finger, take a walk in the village to see how many medical people you meet!
A WORD makes no hole, a pinch tears no underskirt.
A JOKE may have children born.